STRINGS

Flipping through the mid pages of this book I realized that I have really not gotten any message so far and it's scary because time is ticking and taking all of my strength away. And recently, I feel this emptiness in my mind enabling that voice to echo with those same words that shatter my identity causing my morale to flicker and weakening my resolve to concentrate. How on earth do I keep up with this pressure being exerted from every angle of my stand? My moods are tired of swinging from the edges of their opinion, my views are tired of changing based on their validation. My eyelids are getting weak, slowly closing; giving up has never been this sexy. Blaming others has never been this seductive, swimming in self pity seems like the only way to avoid drowning in reality.

The Reality and it's waves, how did I get to this page? I'm lost with fading memories of how I got here. I can only for a short while bear this agony of not being significant. Yes that's how I feel. With zero real friends, nobody to confide in, so now I confide in pen and books knowing that at least my handwriting will be significant in these pages. For how long? For how long? shush, it wont be long, quit complaining... But these quotes I read everyday, these wise sayings I hear, what I view on their stories & timeline... Don't I have to apply them all to be perfect and to be loved.. Hmm to be loved, to be perfect? I wish. If only wishes were Porsches even beggars will ride. But maybe that's the problem, trying so hard to be loved, fighting so hard to be perfect, yet thinking I'll never matter.

"Boy you are lost, you're confused, you're insecure, you probably have consistency issues"! But at least I'm trying to find my way!!! Arrgh!!! I wont get anywhere with these voices in my head, they are blinding my third eye. I need to block them, mute them, erase them.. I wont let these vibes diminish me any longer! I'm making new resolutions, with baby steps I'll get there, I'll make Daddy moves one day. Let the battle begin! The struggle between my vibes and me. It's a bloody civil war! Let's make bloody moves.

Two wolves, two wolves, each on my shoulder, one growling "You can do it"!!!, the other growling "You'll perish".. which one has greater power over me? Wise ones will say it's the one I feed. 

 I need to remember this law of Concentration; "Whatever I dwell on flourishes" At least my fears are enough evidence... I honestly need to stop wasting time crying over wasted time ..Yes I want to be at the top where the air is crisp, no more suffocation, but how do I get there without being a people person? Should I fake it? Maybe with time it'll be part of me.. all I need do is smile, spread my lips broadly, harmattan wont stop me. And after church I'll just play the "hello brother.. how are you doing sister"?  kind of role, give nice compliments to them, avoid conflicts and arguments as much as possible, try so hard to make them happy, please them... please them... then they'll fall in love with me...With who I'm not, Won't it just be like before? won't I only be wearing shackles in disguise? But these guys love me now, so wassup?? At least I get to mingle, fit in? that's more than what I've ever gotten.

There are too many rules in life. Bending some, and cutting off some is only fair. If it makes me happy, why not? But I need to be cautious about the long-term and the ripple effect, I need to learn to stay happy for me through me. I need to be original, not a carbon copy of them. I need to realize that this labyrinth is not real. From henceforth, I'll listen to my inner man, to hell with perfection... not trying so hard to mop my flaws, or worse, that of others; really could get slippery. I'll breathe positivity, Embrace originality. They can think what they want but they don't know me like I do. Frankly, I am the only one that knows where it pinches.

I am who I think I am regardless of these rules, these stereotypes.. I'm a mirror of my thoughts and they are the strings to my guitar, they cook up the melody that I give... It's not easy to suppress them and strum, my finger tips hurt. These keys are high but I'll reach for them, these notes are torn but I'll tape them, I'll put these pieces together... WHY? Because My sound is unique and My Vibe is Acoustic.